I feel constricted as though i couldn't breathe properly.
My heart is struggling to stay alive, soon to be dead and soon to be beyond resurrection.
COS cos cos i am being restricted, further more restricted.
Reduced into a narrow space, which is just barely enough space for me to curl myself up into a ball for survival.
Nowadays if u see that i am in a stony state or watsoever, yeah, that's the reason. Come to think of it, i am always in a stony state all these long periods of time. It really causes me to lose most of my happy emotions. Felt like a dementor is always with me all the time- i couldn't make myself be happy cos once happy in a day, there will bound to be something that makes me upset during that same day. In the end, it just boils down to a kinda "so-so" feeling. That's why whenever people ask me: how are u today? I would mostly replied: so-so. Cos it always happen that way.
More and more of such things are happening to me. It causes me to lose myself and making me losing further hope in life. It makes me feel that there is nothing left for me to rejoice in life. Really nothing... all of everything is left to scrutiny around me.
Me - What am i actually here for? To be the one who people like, perhaps love to scrutinize. Every little thing that i have or do, they just scrutinize. Have they ever wonder some flaws in me are actually in them too? I don't know why i have to be subjected to severe scrutiny.
Rented out some movies cos it is boring to keep on looking at the four walls of my room. Watched mean girls. This movie taught me that girls shouldn't fake what they are not cos guys will like gals the way they are, not someone fake. If guys like fake gals, then, i think go and die bah. *evil laugh*
Watched Madagascar-not bad bah but the movie is super short. Glad that i saved money by renting. Quite funny bits. Like the song too. This movie actually reminded me of my essay on captive animals.
Watched I not stupid 2. Very touching. How i wish i was alone watching. I don't like to be with people when i feel like crying. Can't let it all out when i am with people. I kinda like this movie cos it hits the right spot on what i was feeling about. I hope my parents watched and really understood. But i dun think so..-____________-""
I suddenly feel a bit enlightened. I realised why do singapore kids always seem to look so young despite of their age as compared to other kids from other countries? Hmm, maybe it is just a thought. I personally think that it is because we spend too much time on studies and tend to neglect the process of growing up. Yah, so even if we are older, we still have our own childish whims at times. To me. i guess i sacrificed quite a lot of stuff as time goes by. But time can't be rewind. That is a real pity. Ahh, i really don't know. :(
Though block tests is over, there is still a lot of homework. Hope that the teachers will forget which is quite unlikely. Struggling to do many essays by one day which is quite unlikely. Mission deemed impossible.Also, there are still weekly tests!! I thought they would have reduced such tests. I think studies has quite a big impact on me since i even dreamt about it too. Dreaming of trying to figure out answers for studies.
Anyway, i hope that the starting of school will be not as bad as what i would have expected.
*Make wishes*
