♥A Love Affair

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Haha...sorry..i am crazy over Shinhwa, that's why there are a lot of members' pictures. Boy, i am so nervous for tomorow's Teachers'
day performance. Heez. I hope i can look good during the performance. Because i kept on looking at myself in the mirror in school and i totally dont look confident at all plus i look a bit scrawny, not at all the type for dancing hiphop. Yah, feel kinda demoralised.

Here's today's horoscope for me.

Too many demands placed on you by others could have you feeling used and abused, Jeannette, not to mention stressed out. You might actually come close to losing your temper. This isn't really necessary. All you have to do is learn to say no. It might not be easy, as you tend to want to please everyone, but you have to look out for yourself. Help when the request is urgent, and put the rest off until later.

Hmm..is this applicable for me recently? No idea, i kind of forget what happen recently everday. I cleared napfa test with a bronze award. Gosh, my standing board jump spoilt it all!! The teacher said that it is okay for me to get bronze this time round but this means that i need to have silver award next year no matter what. Ahhhh...why....she said that they will choose the best 2 years out of the 3 years for my case.

I worried so much about the promos. I fear i couldn't make it. I have half a mind to opt out of the performance for the mid-autumn festival. I feel i need lots of time to tackle my own subjects especially geography.

There are strange incidences around me these days. Yah, really strange and always causes me to be speechless all the time. I couldn't be cruel like how my friends does it. I am only good at silent treatment bah. Don't know..shrugs.

Talk more next time, i am super lazy to continue on this entry and the previous entry. I will write about it when i have the mood...

See ya..

writtern @10:40 PM

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Jun Jin

Min Woo

Yeah!! Happy birthday to Min Woo and Jun Jin, my most favourite people in Shinhwa. I like the rest of the members too. ^_^ July 28 and Aug 19!! Heez...Because of them, yah, i persevere on for my dance. I will do it very well especially for the upcoming performance.

Recently, it is so tiring. Almost everyday, i reach home late and i used up most of my energy in dance practice to prepare for the upcoming performance for Teachers' day. People were commented that i have constant energy during the dance, as seem from the videotape. I didn't have the energy to complete with my assignments, let alone study and revise. My whole body is aching. I almost everyday sleep at 12am. Because I need to read Times magazine before i sleep.

I really worry i couldn't make it to j2 again. I am not in top form. Kinda struggling with my studies especially my geography. Geography is really in a bad state. I need to catch up with a lot of things and must have it on my fingertips no matter what. There is a short time before promos start.

I am trying to put a balance between my studies and cca. I can't neglect either one because i plan to treat them as my twin engines in the future. Sometimes, i feel that i couldn't do it as in, i wanna take a break from school. I gonna break down. Even school holidays doesn't seem like holidays, we still have probably lessons and tons of homeworks and lots to revise. I totally need a break. I need to stay back everyday for rehearsals and extra lessons.

Hmmph..i haven't even clear my napfa test. My standing broad jump!!! Gosh, it is like dancers should be good in sit and reach and standing broad jump. But me, gosh, i am worse than the rest. So, i was wondering to myself, can i actually be a dancer? I am just this unrefined girl who just anyhow be inside the cca and self-proclaimed that i am a dancer. Sigh, so embarassing. Oh, one of my instructors told me that he is also bad in standing broad jump.Somemore, i was asked to do chinese dance for mid-autumn festival in dance. hah, i am not a graceful person, even though if u see, my normal state, i look like the kind who doesn't do vigorous type of dance and is more suitable to graceful type. But, ahah, it is not what u think. I am better in hiphop rather than chinese dance.

Though my standing broad jump is always very bad, i am very proud of my results this year. It is better than last year. Especially proud of my 2.4km run.Hee. For my age, i need to run 16.40 mins to have a silver. I managed to finish it in 15.03 mins. Yeah..so happy... Mostly, i couldn't make it in shuttle run, no idea at all. But this year, i got 11secs. An A grade. Isn't that nice...yeah!

For a certain matter, i am kinda resigned to my own fate. I just happen to be stuck with such matters. What to do?

writtern @11:11 AM

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Wat's on my mind and my life?

My mother told me that she read on the newspapers one week ago that my secondary school junior died. I was shocked. What happen this time? Another car accident? Yah, so i went and asked my other secondary juniors wat happen. The story was that this guy, sec 3 nt, didn't appear in school and so everyone assumed that he took mc. In the end, at home, he had heart complications, slipped into a coma and died. Sigh, so sad. My junior added on by saying that everyone kinda knew all along that "he is quite weak. He couldn't run, had dull lips and rather pale complexion for a malay.he's distinct for his weird complexion and lips.. and he's always seen taking the lift to his class on the 3rd floor.he's sec 3 this year.. he's 17 and not 15 o_o"

Hmm, i can't recall who is he..cos wheni am in sec 4, i think he is in sec 1. I am not that close or aware of so many people in school.

Yesterday night, I was at my nephew's birthday party. For me, it is kinda awkward to be there because the main reason was that i am not close to any particular person. Then my father kind of forced me to chat with my cousin, so after that, kinda got talk a bit. Hmmm, is there still time to revive my relationship with my cousins? Hah, i have no idea. I haven't been talking to them so many years. Actually, deep down inside, i feel so inferior compared to them and i didn't know wat topics to talk about. I didn't know much about them and neither do them.

Yah, so there was one part where my elder cousin asked me whether i think i have changed. I said: not much. Then she said i have changed, cos in the past, when she talked to me, i didn't reply much. Now, i talked more. I shrugged cos i really dont' know why do i behave this way. I just said that i probably am happier this year compared to the past years. Quite some things to talk about. Like jc, singers and all that. She asked me whether am i interested to go to theatre studies and dance in the future. Hmm, i am not sure cos i prefer more to the commercial type of dance. Heez. She seems quite interested in that i joined dance. She said that's great. My other cousin said that's cool.

Yah, i know i don't seem the kind who dance at all.
Hope that i will be closer to my cousins in the future.
Last time, we used to have so much fun. I guess time is one of the factors.

Yeah, i kind of got my own room back. I didn't realised my room is so big. Hah.I hope some people won't disturb me.

I hate the student council and other certain people who make me mad and caused my life routine to change. They think we are so free, just change the timing and kept on saying this not good that not good. Hello...., we have only a few days to practice and think of dance steps. What a conflict between the cca and the student council. I don't recall last year's situation to be like that.

writtern @8:07 PM

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I think this is one of the tiring weeks i have gone through. Why? The reason is I have physical exercise the whole week - tues and thurs pe, mon tues wed fri dance practice. Somemore, i am actually sick and today i ran in the rain for napfa run. Hee, was commenting to my friend that how i wish the run can be done in instalments. ^_^.Hope dance club can pull through in the audition for teachers' day concert.

This morning, i heard from the morning announcements that there is going to be a second audition for the teachers' day concert.What??!!! Why??!!! Yesterday, i have been practicing almost non-stop from 1.30pm onwards to 6 plus. I need water....

I got people who commented on our dance item. Most of them praised us. They said that it is better than the rest of the items. Friend says that," can make it, cos i think of the 4 performances, dance's the best, the rock songs so noisy and out of tune." Classmate says that it is good. Must pray hard....

Haha, i was commenting to some of my friends about my new analogy which is very suitable for applying to present situation- the buy 1, get 1 more free. They laughed and said that it is interesting for me to link it like that. I don't know whether i should feel guilty or bad. But i really need a healthy mix of friends. For such a long time, i didn't manage to interact with the rest of my classmates. Now someone has been sort of accusing me that i have been doing some neglecting. Sigh, but what can i do? I really am so stuck that i not know what decisions should i made. Have you ever be in my position?? Being neutral is not exactly that easy. And i have already been stuck in such a position for so many years. Yah, that's my rewards for being so nice to everyone.

I gotta tell u that i am feeling irritated and frustrated. Why? Because my family couldn't let me study and do my hw in peace. My situation is that my familiy sleeps in my room on the dot at 10pm. I take a long time to finish all my homework and read up my notes, thus i will naturally exceed 10pm. Their sleeping affects me because i couldn't do what i want comfortably. Sometimes when i am in a good mood and keep on doing my work almost non-stop, they came in and sleep. That totally makeS me lose my concentration. Somemore, they keep on complaining that it is late and everyone should sleep.

I really want to get things into their head and that is .....JC LIFE IS LIKE THAT!! THERE ISN'T ANY TIME TO HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP!! THE TIME SPEND TO DO HOMEWORK IS NOT LIKE SECONDARY AND PRIMARY SCHOOL!! IF IT IS THAT EASY TO SCORE AND JUST SPEND AS SHORT TIME TO DO HOMEWORK AND REVISE, THEN A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL COME TO JC!!! HAVE THEY EVER SEE WHAT OTHER JC PPL ARE DOING TOO? THEY ARE ALSO SLEEPING SO LATE AT THE NIGHT, ACTUALLY IN THE MORNING.

You know wat, they are restricting my potential to do a lot of things in one day. I don't know how should i solve my problem. Plus, they are contradicing themselves. They keep on telling me to revise and all that on a daily basis. Yah, i did that. Then they were sleeping and i was reading my notes. My father said: tommorrow, you are having test is it??

So strange. Tell me to study and revise daily. Then ask me whether i am having test the next day. -__________-""". wat is this? if they ponder and reflect wat they say, i hope they will realised wat they are telling me.

I think of moving to my brother's room and locked myself in the room whole day long and made it like a my temporary bedroom for the whole 2 years throughout until i finish my A-levels. Their habits and lifestyle are restricting my own lifestyle. And they tell me to have good grades. How u tell me?? if they keep on restricting and disturbing me and affecting my mood. But thats mean i have to move all my books into there and his books into my room.. That's a lot of books. Also, i am actually scared of sleeping in that room because it is near the kitchen. It kind of spooks me bah. I just love my room, it is big and is furthest away from the kitchen and all that.

Ah, wat to do??

I know i am kinda cold slowly towards x but that is because i feel that x have hurt me so much and the others too. I don't even want to look straight into x's face, because that face is the one which hurts ppl and yet do not realise wat x-self is doing. i don't understand how can x say such things while keeping things so seriously and straight-faced. X has given me a tight spot,, so tight that i am going to suffocate real soon, any moment now. But x does not realised it. Friend keep on saying i too nice already. Yah, i think i kind of realised it now. What to do, x doesn't have anyone else? Because of x, i am getting shunned in a certain way and having less contact with the rest of the people. I can't even have personal conservations with my friends. Why does certain people do this to me? What did i do wrong? By friending them?

No one is helping me lighten my burden effectively. As years gone by, i keep on having burdens until the time, loads of burden are going to break my back. Should i see a counsellor?

I keep on wondering why people loves having relationship? Hmm, i am just going to say my opinion. For me, i feel that it is not necessary or essential to have relationship because after a short period of time, the relationship may be strained and it will break. You will have to pick up the pieces in your life and do some moaning for a certain period of time, go into depression and be a wet blanket for many months. Is it worth it? Neglecting your friends and studies probably too by weeping after a broken relationship which has happened long time ago. I know that time heals the heart and it sure takes infinity time to do so. Anyway, people will die and we all will have to part. If you have a beloved, won't there be severe heartbreaking and moaning for years? My junior died in a car accident and he was only sec 1 at that time. His gf cried so hard after knowing his death. I feel sec 1 is too young to have relationship. Hah, but time changes and i guess it is the norm nowadays.

Personally, i do not think of going into a relationship or getting married. Haha. One reason is that no one likes me anyway so why should i be thinking of such things. Isn't that "dream on"? I don't have any special qualities that people will like me. So ugly somemore, heez. Secondly, i use this quote to say what i sort of feel. The times may change but it is applicable to a certain extent.

" For a girl, love takes up the whole of her life.

For a boy, love is just part of life."

writtern @8:49 PM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Presently, I am rushing to practice for dance audition. I believe that if we co-operate as a team, we sure can de!!! yeah!!! haha, plus i wanna praise those who are in charge of the whole thing. I really admire them for their good leadership and they are good at thinking on their own feet. Plus, good moves!!! How i wish we can know for certain that we going to perform on teachers' day, just like what last year did.

Haha, i find the dance for audition de quite cute and nice and cool. Yah, unfortunately, i am not the kind who likes too girly dance stuff. A bit awkward. I guess i am still not that open in dance. I have never tried before dancing to mixed songs for dance. Quite cool. My favourite part is the posing for 2 counts de..heez. We dance to the music - hey mickey and do something by britney..and there was one part is when the guys breakdance. Quite a nice combination of songs.

Hmmm..is my hair really that brown? How come i keep on looking at myself in the mirror and yet i didn't see that it is obvious? Haha, actually only recently, then I realised that my hair is of natural brown colour and texture is like of babysoft type due to a lot of comments made by schoolmates.

Can it be tell that through a person's looks, u can tell whether that person has music background? How can you tell? I have some classmates who asked me whether I know how to play the piano. I replied to them: nope, but i learnt how to play electronic organ. Then they said that : yah, can tell you have music background. I was wondering whether it is that easy to tell.

writtern @9:21 PM

Friday, August 12, 2005

Pondering
I don’t know when can I really get out my feelings or how do I get it out?

For all these years, I actually felt empty inside me, being devoid of feelings. I am just like an empty shell. I don’t exactly have opinions about certain issues, just wanting to have everyone in peace. I think I can consider myself as a person with many different personalities, kind of like different types of people in just one body. When people ask me my feelings, I just could manage to say: so-so or I don’t know. Because, I just couldn’t figure out how I feel. It is as though my feelings are all tightly locked behind a door that even I couldn’t unlock it. In general, people think I am quite cold towards them or just couldn’t say out my feelings for certain things. I don’t find my life interesting or important to tell anyone. I don’t seem concerned under certain situations, because sometimes, I can’t even explain it myself. Sometimes, I feel I need to be distant. I got tired of being so close, during certain periods of time.

I have no idea whether I am the only one with such a problem.

As I imagined myself in the future, I just feel that I couldn’t make it to be on the same standing as the rest, who are capable, does. No matter what happens, I will still lag behind them. I am wondering: am I going to be disappointed with my future results? Is it going to be a vicious cycle again? I kept on having this, “barely make it” situation.

Ever since I have a secondary school junior who died in a car accident, I sometimes harboured this thought, will I suddenly die? If I do, what will happen to my beloved stuff and people who I know? Sometimes, I will keep on thinking too far ahead as in, how fast it is to grow old. I haven’t enjoy life properly in all these years, just keep on studying and studying. Is there ever a moment where I can suddenly stop doing things and start appreciating nature? I can’t imagine myself growing old. I actually have a lot of important things to do at this age and seriously, I do not know what choice should I make? If I didn’t make the choice, I may never have done what I want.

I am scared of dying because it is irreversible. Once I am gone, I am truly gone. Getting decomposed or cremated. After this life, am I done? How I wish, just like computer games, I can pause life and rest for a while.

writtern @9:11 PM

Friday, August 05, 2005

hmm... just looking at my horoscope..let's see whether it's true for today...

General tendency of the day

Caution is your word, especially in making important personal decisions concerning people close to you. Make sure to check with them before stepping on an uncertain path that may lead to an impasse.

Your chances of the day

Luck will be with you which will allow you to accomplish rapidly all those great plans that you had in mind. A beautiful story is unfolding. And you will know what to do to enjoy all the good times that will come your way and make you happy. Everything is great!

Your feelings of the day

If you don’t take care of what you say you may find yourself with problems with your friends. Be discreet. Keep quiet regarding a point of view that could be questionable. Things will get much better thanks to your diplomacy.

Your health today

A little physical exercise won’t hurt. Look after your body. Being in good health is essential, because your timetable is up for a change. You will accomplish everything you set out to do. You have more courage than you know.

Your morale of the day

You will be in great spirits because you think that Affection, Love, Feelings and Friendship will come your way. Do not reject a friendly proposition that will move you. You will need to be taken care of. You will be happy.

Your daily opportunities

A wonderful opportunity is going to be presented to you which you must sieze. Wait to have a better relationship with a person close to you. You won’t be disappointed. It’s the moment to intervene and try to make things move. Don’t miss the boat. Excellent relationships will be founded.

Do u think it is almost exactly wat happening now today? I think so. Today, i nearly say out things that i shouldn't be saying out in front of certain people. Oh, i feel soooo guilty.
I hope i can have my studies smoothly.
Yesterday, i was still at school till 8.30pm with my j2 friend. Wah, i can do non-stop for hours and yet i stil lhave energy. Hmm, next time i will try to do so with my friend. Feel great.
Kind of like dying to talk something with my friend but can't loh. Cause "cement issue" Urgh...

Yah, nowadays, though i don't feel like eating. I feel dizzy..gosh..wat is happening to me? last year, if i don't eat the whole school day, i don't feel dizzy at all.

huh? wat great opportunities? wat great spirits?
i absolutely have no idea whether they happen in today?

writtern @7:47 PM

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

This person in the picture is a japanese actress by the name of Sato Aiko. I recently went online to read on Itazara Na kiss stuff. Crazy about this drama series again! I love this drama series- so cool, sweet and funny. But sometimes, i kind of like switch off the television when certain scenes are too exagerating. Heez. She is well- known for her big ears, i think.

I am dead tired. I dont' know which week is worse- previous or the present one? I haven't even finish my homework for the day and already i felt like going to sleep or having a headache. My eyes couldn't even open properly and have serious "panda" problem. Realised that i need a long time just to finish up 3 paragraphs of AQ. Oh, wat is happening to me??

Today, my teacher cried because we did badly for one of the tests. Hmm, i not really know how to console her. Even if i say ..."on behalf of the class, i apologise.." and all that, the rest doesn't really look sincere enough. Won't i be making empty promises?

I hate the shoes i was wearing today!! I have trouble walking fast or dancing with it. Feel like going to drop at any moment and the shoes laces always go loose...ah..i am not going to wear it tomorrow!!

During CCA, we were going through the front part of the formation of the future performance. I was nervous and scared cause i really really want to be in it. Today, the instructors are just experimenting with the available people. Gonna be 10 people in this, but we have around 24 people. Oh gosh, i think i might not be able to get in.So for this dance, the starting need to have pose, or still figures. I really can not think of good ones to pose. Yah, so one of the instructors told me that they are mixing songs including the song we are presently dancing to for anti-drug competition next feb. Hope i can be able to get in all competitions or performances!! u may think i am greedy person but i really fear i will not have the chance to dance after jc life. Maybe i will not be accepted into professional dance course in the future.

* I want to be excel in studies as well as cca. So must jia you!! Must do to the best of my ability*

On the second day of the week, I noticed something unusual in the formations. I have a lot of question marks which i can't ask anyone about it openly. To tell you the truth, if I lay all the cards on the table, you will too realise that certain things are contradicting each other and yet they are together. Strange right?

I suddenly feel the gush of "being stepped on" again. Ahh, why must i give myself problems? I am going to be in trouble, in trouble. I can't possibly help anyone unless I am very free. THen i can do so. But i can't do it now.

Thoughts...

1. Have you wondered why u help people and yet you get the same thing in return? People tend to forget the intangible stuff.

2. Everyone is actually like salmon. You know why? Salmons always like to go against the flow of the water, we are just like them trying to go against the general influence of other people. But if we fail to prevent them from influencing us, we will die a terrible death.
# i really worry that i will get influenced #

3. I remembered my friend says that in jc, everyone is just clinging to another pile of wood floating on the sea. That means, not really friends, just being together for the sake of not being alone. It is hard to find true and good friends in jc. In jc, everyone is so unique that you can't find anyone else just almost like you. Sad thing right? But after jc, perhaps those people u have acquainted with in jc will become more friendly because they are not under that stressful jc life and the stiff competition among almost every individual. My friend says that in jc, it is inevitable to compete with one another. Personally, i dont like competition in studies. Why compete with each other? We can happily study together and work hard as a team. Team is very important!

4. One of my teachers told me that the independent jcs are so lucky. They have celebrations on Friday and from sat till wed, they have holidays. Isn't that great? I was thinking, if my school is independent, i think we will have school for the whole 365 days a year. We always have extra lessons during holidays and all that. Yah...sigh...

Don't know why, i feel thirsty now even though i didn't talk at all and just busy typing. Heez.

For those going to take Prelims very soon, good luck to you all!!!!!!
After your Alevels, let's go out and have fun!!!!!!!

oh ya..i admit that i am a boring person.
especially if i am very tired..
recently, couldn't concentrate much and kept on misinterpreting wat people are saying..
kept on constantly spacing out...staring into space...

writtern @9:29 PM

Monday, August 01, 2005

Today is an embarassing and blur day. I thought school starts at 8.30am instead of 9.30am. I tot i was late and i ran all the way to school to discover that class hasn't really started at all. Yah, i ran for the wrong thing. Luckily, i didn't step into the auditorium because the rest were having chemistry test.

Saw the OBS people. I think they really got scorched real badly. Even the sunblock lotion couldn't stop their skin from turning that dark and the skin peeling.

writtern @4:37 PM