♥A Love Affair

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Mad at some one who is totally not sensitive about others as in affecting other ppl's schedules and just making everyone go along with his last minute plans. Everyone has plans too..yet he messes it up by making us go compulsory to watever he wants to go..hmmphh....hate it......

my father loves to force people to do things that they do not want..especially meeting relatives. i do not want to go and yet he forces us to go. He makes it compulsory. Today means so much to me to be at home and yet ...hmmmph...

to tell u the truth,i dreaded seeing my relatives. makes me feel so inferior, more demoralised than ever. feels so small..feels that i am a good for nothing. all those negative feelings.

also, wat i hate about it is that watever my bro and i are doing, he dislikes it.
take for example: this morning, we were watching cartoons while eating our breakfast. and he told us to change channel cos cartoons are for babies. then i retailated by saying that everyone is a child at heart. He ignores tat and said about other thing. Kept on standing at his perspective without thinking abt others' perspective. Later in the morning onwards, we were forced to go out to meet some relatives and they were watching cartoons at home. My smart bro went and ask my father: so u think watching cartoons are ok? Then my father just say ok ok lah..to avoid the whole issue.

he is always like that..watever we do makes him displease. but when my relatives are doing the same thing..he takes it as ok. absolutely hate it!!!!

i like to watch jap and korean drama series and he dislikes watching media-related stuff that speak other languages that he know not. so one time, my uncle talked about how people are crazy about such drama series and they got watched some. You know wat? While we were on our way home, he said...let's rent watever movies uncle was saying..

-_-"..dislike such ppl where other people's opininons..he will just follow loh...

aaaahh..don't want to say anymore...makes me mad...furious....

writtern @5:54 PM

Saturday, October 29, 2005

I do not know what should i do. To feel happy, sad, nervous or whatever. Don't even dare to think about it.

Of course, i am scared about promos. Just that, i don't really seem to show it. It is too scary to think about it. I am in a fragile position, just one slight movement, i may have gone down the cliff. The day is just coming closer, creeping up. Yesterday's happening just makes me awake to reality. My teacher just took out a whole stack of papers for a moment and said that he knew our results. He was shaking his head. Gosh, i managed to just forget about it temporarily.

I don't even want to touch anything related to studies and my mother kept on telling me to clear the table of books. Though my table is a mess, i just don't want to touch it.

I am doing nothing much at home. Lying down and reading books which don't seem so interesting. I just want to read harry potter book 6, which i haven't buy yet. Looking at music videos of Shinhwa and tempting to learn their dance steps. Sigh, i don't even dare learn dance steps now. Just kept on dancing the steps that i have been taught. Also, my parents and brother are there so i couldn't let myself all out in dance. I don't like it when people see me dance because i anyhow dance, not fixed to some routine. Just in my own private world. I want to be alone in the house but apparently, it is just isn't possible. The living room tv is spoilt and the dvd player's wires are cut. I can't enjoy my videos..hmmph..
Feel kinda constricted...like someone is strangling me. i just want to be alone in the house.

Oh ya, next year, my cca is going to join anti-drug dance competition. Yeah...
hope that there are still a lot of competitions for us to go to..
hope i really got promoted..cos i have a lot of potential activities and i wanna do that...

writtern @11:33 AM

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Now lying on my bed and using the laptop. i can't be sleeping all the time.it is so boring to be sick..can't do anything that i really like..and i am aching all over. i think i ach a lot because i fell down in the toliet yesterday.

i started to not feel well on monday when i was out with my parents. just suddenly feel that i need to lie down and rest. My parents send me home and i slept. I felt so so cold even though i had a blanket on. Kept on shivering.

Too bad, i didn't get to go with them to fetch my brother home. He got camp this past few days in Malaysia. Hmm, feels quite empty without him during the past few days. ^_^. But never mind, he's back now. Haha, his skin colour is so dark, looks like some tribe person in the forests..haha..somemore when i told him that, he did some actions and talk in any language, which really looks like one cute tribe person. haha...he is a good actor only in front of me. he won't do acting in front of other people.

I got fever and dizzyness. Tues morning, was in the toliet brushing my teeth. I suddenly felt very very dizzy and i tried to endure. Then mind just went blank. Suddenly find myself on the floor lying on my right. I think i didn't see anything. The door was locked. My mother was shouting and she found some way to open the door and took me outside. Now, my body is aching and i am not sure whether did i injure my head. This was my first time fainting like that.

I think i am not going to be promoted. The fear.
I dreamt that my gp got A1, which is totally impossible. That's mean i am going to fail my gp in real life. Cos my dreams always tell me the opposite. But it is still early to have such dreams actually cos mostly i have such dreams the day before i got the results. Gosh..and i think i dreamt that my maths got 53 which is dissapointing. i need 57 to have a A and i aimed to have a A. Why did i keep on dreaming about gp? I don't know what would i do if i didn't get promoted.

Hope i will be well enough to attend classes tomorrow. hope that i am not having some dreadful disease.

writtern @10:26 AM

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Hi, last friday 21 Oct 2005 was my last paper of the promos. Finally, i got to relax whole day without even laying a finger on my studies. After the paper, i felt so relieved, just like "pressure release". Haha, the burden i am carrying is gone and i feel so relaxed.

Yeah, i got so many plans to excecute on friday and i didn't know which plan to choose. Anyway, my first urgent matter to do was to go orchard and buy music cds. Personally, i don't like going to Orchard because it is a long journey to travel there plus there are so many people around plus a common place for me to get negative externalities- people smoking, smoke from the vehicles.Seriously, maybe in the future, people are going to need oxygen tanks in orchard. Haha, just a silly thought. It is troublesome to travel home from there, very crowded plus i mostly forget the way home. Luckily, my friend accompanied me there. It is so strange to go Orchard alone.

When we reached HMV, i kept on considering what to buy and took such a long time to do so. Reason is because i need to weigh which one will give me the most satisfaction and then i will buy it. Somemore, i need to research on the prices. Haha, maybe people don't get it why i do so. Because, other shops probably sell the same things with a difference of $10. It does happen. Real life example: i wanted to buy this s club 7 dvd so i went to hmv and it is around $50. Another shop sells it at around $40. After that, i saw an offer in the newspaper that one shop sells it at around $30. Haha, u see, i saved $20. If i just went ahead and buy from hmv, i waste $20. That's a lot of money. Thanks to econs, if not, i will just buy from hmv. Yup, i mostly do that in the past.From econs, i learn that human wants are unlimited and resources are limited. Because of that, there is scarcity and we need to make the best choices ever. Yup, this makes me realise that i really need to use my money wisely cos money is so so unlimited. Haha, education is important. Oh ya, and patience. Need a lot of time to research and find out the lowest price in many areas to make the right choice.

So sad that i couldn't find the latest album from lee min woo.Probably it hasn't arrive yet. Haha, never mind. I got the 1st album and it is called un-touchable. Wahaha, first thing i did when i reached home was to listen to it. Haha, my friend was so so right in predicting that. I got so happy because when i listen to the 2nd song, i realised that this is the song i was searching for. That song was the one that my dance instructor taught us to dance in this year. Yeah, i didn't know it was sung by min woo though i know it was one of the members from Shinhwa. Never mind, i can dance along with it now..haha..the saddest thing is that i bought the expensive one. meaning that after i bought it ..i went to another shop and realised that it is cheaper. Sigh, cos i didn't research so much this time cos busy for exams. i didn't expect that place to have. See...need to research to get the lowest price ever.

Sigh, i feel that there is still not a wide variety of goods..i couldn't get the latest albums. Hmmph,.....

kk..here's are some pictures from his first album. took it from the website. his songs are so cool loh..

Another cd that i brought is winter story 2004-2005. Yeah their songs are just great and i love them and themselves. haha

On friday night, went to rent movies and i rented 7 movies. first time, i rented so many at one time. i think i really hunger for leisure time cos promos is over and i really put a lot of effort into it. Watched two movies that night and slept at 2plus. Before that, i went to my grandparents' house and spend time with my baby cousin. He forgotten who i am. Sigh, but never mind, we have fun after that. So cute and mischievous and smart.

My father helped to repair the television and my cousin sat very close to him in a one of the armchairs and watched him repair. After sitting for a short while, he walked near my father and this disturbed my father from repairing. Everyone told my cousin to sit down again. He repeated it for so many times until i sat in front of him and blocked him off. Haha, so he couldn't disturb my father. And u know wat he did? He told me to sit either right of left of him. Haha, his motive was to be able to walk near my father. Haha, but i told him: i feel like sitting in front of u. he still can smile at me.

Watched princess diaries 2: royal engagement and korean movie: my tutor friend until 2 in the morning. Sweet movies. Makes me sad at times.

On saturday, parents suggested to go out with my baby cousin and my grandmother. My brother is on camp from friday to monday. We went to mount faber to feed the fish. Was accompanying my cousin to feed the fish when i happen to look left and saw ex-actress and her family. kind of give me a shock to see her in person. anyway, got reason why this gives me a shock but don't want to say here. ^_^

After that, went to changi airport with them for lunch. Hoho, got to eat salmon. This is my bro's favourite food to eat in changi airport. Accompany my cousin to play in the playground. He was having fun with the slides. The problem is i have difficulty capturing his smile in camera. When i just bring out the camera, he stops smiling. He looks so serious in photos. He is greedy cos there were 2 slides along each other and he wanted to slide them both. Each leg at each slide. How to slide? Haha.

Went to sim lim tower. i accompany father to buy something for the computer. I really wanted a pair of ear phones. Finally, he got me that.haha. but there is something that make me feel so cheated. Cos in front of this shop owner, he asked about the 512 mb mp3 player. HOw much and all that? And even ask me whether i want it. I thought to myself: 'gosh, can't believe he is nice to buy me a new mp3 player.' in the end, i felt so delighted and already got on the idea that he is gonna buy me that.

Later, he just said he will not buy and keep on arguing to the shop owner that elsewhere is cheaper. Hmmph..my hopes are burst. Actually he did not intend to buy me that loh. -__________________-"""". he said: " why do u need to listen to so many songs anyway? u have a mp3 player already, no need to buy new one."

huh..who is the one who initiate the new mp3 player thing? i am not the one who did that.is he who led me on thinking that i am going to have new mp3 player. gosh..feel so cheated. then wat for did he bring in the issue on that..just buy me a pair of earphones..that's all i ask for.

next time, i won't believe whatever he said. always like that. in the past..handphone is another issue. hmmpp..have to remember.."good things dont come so easily for me. don't believe in any good things, cos in the end, it will just disappoint me."

Watch shark tale on saturday night.
"nobody loves a nobody".
yes, i am a latter nobody.

On sunday, played a bit of theme hospital and i lost. Hmmph..can't it just let me win??
Watch korean movie: my boyfriend is type b and cinderalla story.
nice movies and sad..and happy..

tomorrow's school. not really school, self-study. travel so far just to have few hours of self-study. never mind..i can have new songs to listen to and i have a new pair of ear phones. probably study geo and write essays for geo..have to think of ideas for proposals on geo project//hope got inspirations for me.

writtern @8:52 PM

Friday, October 14, 2005

Hi...
yesterday was staying back at school until quite late..realised that one of my teachers was still in school. yupz..i totally forgotten about getting the files from her for reading purposes plus she forgot to update us on the latest econs daily work..the route to the staffroom was so dark and i commented on that while i went up with her to the staff room. and she said: " dont' worry, i am here. "..
i feel that she is such a sweet teacher, really feel like she's a elder sister to most of us..haha..she is good at teaching as long as the students are sincere in listening. she can really explain things well. Went to the table and realised that the star pillow i given to her for teacher's day was on he r computer. haha..she got keep my present..heez

nowadays was quite sad when we all recieved our daily work marks which is very impt for our promos exam. gosh..i tot i need below 50 to pass..but i calculated and realised that i need 57 to pass. make me so worried that i probably will get kick out and will never get to advance to year 2. Cos this year's criteria is relatively higher compared to last year.

But...yesterday evening..i was asking whether she is going to add the recent assignments to the daily work. And she suddenly remembered that she forgot to give us the updated version and said that it is not as bad as it seems..

So good news #2--> i need very low marks to pass econs..yeah!!!!!
i forgot wat was good news #1 abt.
ok..now i can only worry about geo..whether can passs
worry abt gp too..whether can pass
worry about econs and maths..whether can have a better grade or exceed expectations

must prepare myself for the coming promos.which is going to start in a few days' time..

yesterday upon knowing how much i need to pass my econs..i can't help but feel a tiny spark of happiness glowing..feel just a tiny weeny happy...wanted to go home and do a "victory dance"..haha..
but when i reach home..it was too late
so this morning..i did it.
haha
kk...gotta push myself further to get better grades..

lalalala....

writtern @3:47 PM

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

All of a sudden, i just feel so lost. I don't really wanna say what exactly did i feel that

way. I am like nor here nor there. I don't know where i belong. Just like a "stateless

person" in another sense. I just can't help but feel that way.

One of my friends were saying that i have more charm compared to him based on watever i

said. But it doesn't appear to be so. I seriously don't have charm. Seriously.. don't..
There is nothing special about me at all. Just one person that u can just ignore

conveniently. I dont have any special value in me. There are certain situations where u just

can't help it but be with me. Sigh..just feel so rotten inside.

Oh ya..nowadays was doing geo stuff and while i was reading, i happen to come across this

phrase, " compassion fatigue".Yup..this really kinda explains how i am feeling at certain

times. Really, at certain times, feel that i am too tired to show everyone equal kindness.

Hah,to certain ppl, it is certainly not worth it to be kind to them. In the end, after so

long a time, then i realised that person is just making use of my kindness. Too much to

handle. Yah, i could remember there was one time in primary school which really makes me so

disappointed, instead of being angry at her.

I feel like a fool. Being insulted indirectly and yet, i didn't notice it until the person

started insulting directly. I was at fault too cos i thought ppl are just bias towards tat

person without any concrete evidence. But i was just simply ignorant and didn't know wat

actually happened.Treat ppl nicely and welcome them with open arms, in the end, actually

attracting ppl who harm me eventually. I am really the biggest fool on earth. Didn't even

occur to me that ppl will think of so many motives formulating in their minds.

Sometimes, ignorance is a blessing but not always.

My eyes are so tired nowadays. In the end, i kept on looking at wrong things.
Also, i keep on hearing things wrongly which made me confused.
Haha..my friend was telling me that watever i do, i have a style of doing things.
Strange me...
I think i am too tired so happen to do "funny" things or actions.

writtern @11:27 PM

Saturday, October 08, 2005

promos is coming again...
feel super nervous compared to last year..
now i understand why my friends of last year felt so nervous..
i started to feel their sentiments..

i tot econs i need low marks but i was WRONG!! Gosh..starting to feel the shivers..
maths..i think i can manage to get an A ..bah..
geo..erm..i think ireallly need a high grade to pass loh...hope can do my very best and exceeds my expectations..Actually, geo is a nice subject to study when there is no time limit as in no need to rush. Take it slow and it is actually nice to study. Attempting compiling all resources into just one set of notes. It is so tedious and if i do it alone..it will take me years... but haha..i got friends who are willing to split it..yeahs..i jus love it when friends work hard together.
i am going to be all out!!!

My belief in education is that everyone can study happily together and help each other and work hard together to achieve desirable results. Not, stepping on another when the latter falls. That's really bad..Dislike such people.

took gp paper..find quite happy to do it and very confident that i will have good resutls.But when i kept on thinking about it..i feel that i probably may write out of point.

For essay, i choose the qn: Should students only strive to excel accademically?
Other than academically, i talked about morally, physically and others..i forgot..
Hope not out of point..almost everything i evaluate and bring in real life examples..
Feel so proud of myself..but not sure whether correct lah..sigh.

On friday, ended school at 11.30am. But due to some unforseen circumstances..i ended up leaving school at 3 plus..Waste so many hours.Didn't get to print the past promos question papers cos the school printer went berserk. Print one line of strange symbols instead. Expect me to decode is it? Haha. Yupz..was spending most of the time doing a bit of reading case study and teaching other ppl how to do econs mcq.I think question 8..i keep on explaining many times lah. But never mind, i soon learn how to teach in sequence..cos that qn got a lot of information.

Went to library after that..Was doing research and gathering information on urban geo. Cos going to compile mah. Then,the librarian suddenly came and talked to me about how irresponsible other students are. The issue was that students took out books to look through and didn't put back. Not only that, books are put in totally different sections. How can a soccer book be at the geography section? Huh... She was telling me that though students are educated up in the mind..but they are not socially responsible. What's the use of being educated? She was utterly dissappointed in that..Thank gosh.i didn't do that..Yeah..i am a kind of a socially responsible person..heez..She felt sorry for the irreponsible students

Whatever she said suddenly makes me just link me back to my gp essay for promos.. I wonder why she just come and talk to me..hmm..i look nice enough to listen to how she feel..hmm..ppl mostly like to relate with me.haha..

anyway..hope she will get to see more responsible students..
it was nice talking to her..actually she talk more..haha..never mind..at least hope she feels better after telling me loh..
best to say out..don't keep things to yourself..yupz

writtern @7:29 PM