♥A Love Affair

Monday, May 30, 2005

What is the difference between helping people and being taken advantage of?
I can't find the line between both scenarios. I looked and reflected: when am i helping others and when am i being taken advantage of? I sometimes classified the same things at different times differently? I feel so tired helping others but yet didn't get helped.

I feel so distant now suddenly ever since something happened. Should i have done another action? Should i be the bad one or the good one? I chose to be the good one, but did anyone see wat have i done? Did anyone ask me the reasons why i do that? They think i being too nice, but i have experienced how it feels like to be in this person's shoes and i know it is hard situation.

I am so confused. Certain reports show that my this kind of people can't tell the difference of when other people are good or bad. Now, i really can't tell. Why should this thing happen again? Right after i have just wash off my hands of the similar situation?

Now, i feel like i have been outside in the cold and harsh winter, looking into a big and happy family's house's window and wondering when will i ever get to experience such a happy thing.

I have a prediction coming up. I know it is not nice. But can see lah, my prediction most probably will come true. I hope people involved will really open up their eyes and see wat exactly are they facing. If they don't, i guess my prediction will really come true. This time, i don't need tarot cards to determine a prediction, just using observation, i know it. When the time comes and u cry....., hmmm, then u will know wat i say is true.

"Still water runs deep". I have deep thoughts about certain things, deeper than other people. Haha, i always like to think of myself as a great philisopher, but this is just for fun.

I don't know who should i treat who like a friend or a classmate or a stranger.....who........

writtern @9:34 PM

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Yesterday was a day of worrying.

Now,I recieved a mesage saying that she is happy n cheerful. I am so happy for her, maybe if she improves her mood and feelings, i think it will be better for her and all of us. I hope things will turn out fine when i see all of them next time.

Seems that i have been sighing all the time but it is definitely inevitable. Haiz, i have to see step-by-step on wat to do. I really want to make things better for her.I know how she feels. Really more like me liao.

Have a chat with my friend on the way home. Talk about wat is happening in my previous class. Hmmm, seems like something had happened within wraps, but i couldn't really pin point wat it is. Aiya, i have strange dreams nowadays related to people around me and school. Why do they have to appear now? Somemore see someone i don't like in my dream. That's unlucky.

I think i finally stop thinking about that issue. I even stopped listening to one song that reminds me of that issue in mp3 player. Hah, good good. But still, i just hope that issue can be solved asap.

Where are u to tell me wat exactly happen?

writtern @10:31 AM

Friday, May 27, 2005

Hiyo....today i am especially feeling blue....due to a certain matter..Sigh..i am not going to talk about it right now..but later at the end of thissss entry.

Monday
It is basically a school holiday! I can't really remember wat i did, but mostly studying and relaxing at the same time.

Tuesday
At night, i was suprised to recieve a home call from a teacher in my school. I tot he is my ct. But hmmm..same surname but voice is different. my ct doesn't call me thru house phone. Only a while later, then i realised is from the library cca. We called to see whether i was still in Mrl as a cca but i wasn't informed that my cca is arranged to be mrl. I tot all along it was dance. Weird admin. He was saying that due to my secondary school cca was that.. so they picked me there. Hah, how come other people don't have problems, but me?? Hope the matter is cleared by now.

Wednesday
Today is the day that many girls bought school U. I wanted too cos my one too short and can see me looking so fat. But i have no money. That's the catch. So many of them lining up to bought which resulted in most of them not going for cca. In the end, so few ppl. Haha, but good loh..everyone present in the cca got more space to practice instead of being squeezed. I was told to memorise dance steps as in the instructor confirmed know that a lot of people wiill forget the steps. Hmm...i wondering someone is lying or not? So confused. If so, why keep on lying? I was also harmlessly wondering whether wat ppl think of me. Aiya..i not know..

There was a strange incident on the MRT when i was travelling home.There was this middle aged guy who was squatting and lookking like not well on the mrt. Oppsite him, there was this lady who put a whole big bag of stuff on the floor and standing down there. After a while, the guy suddenly reach out and search the lady's bag. At first, i didn't know that the bag wasn't his and was wonderign why he put it so far away. The lady was stunned and looked at him. She quickly gave him a look and took the bags away. The guy sat back to his position and after a while, he gestured sorry. The lady saw a vacant seat so she rushed there to sit. i think that guy was so hungry tat he has deillusions. Probably....who knows?

Thursday
This is generally a bad day. I got my term report which wasn't good as expected. Aiya, my parents won't be happy de. They expect me to get all As one. Somemore, when they came home, their faces were all "black". Oh oh, serious time. Sigh, this regards my brother. In the end, i not even dare to let them sign.

Today we learned long jump. i finallly learnt the technique of long jump. Hah, friends were saying how funny i am. One of them kept on whispering to my ears the sound imitation of crayon xin chan. In the end, kept me laughing.Haha.There were 2 funny incidents. i think my class ppl are quite cute and funny and they kind of mean no harm bah. One girl was telling the guys to clear the rubbish left on the table. One of the guy said to her: " can u come with me?" Haha. Another one was about this guy doing a funny dance. Just can't make me stop laughing.

Friday
This is the saddest day of my week and so unlucky that it is the start of the "holidays". Why make me sad when the holidays are starting? Why make me worry for this class?? I don't know how to say all of this in a nice and good manner.

I know i absolutely have no authority or no right to say this. I know i have a lot of flaws. I know once i say wat i am going to say will make u not like or hate or despise me.But i have to tell all of u this, " How do u feel when u are in her shoes?" I know i have a part in causing today's scenerio and i am really apologetic about it. Do u know that it is very obvious wat happen? I have experienced such situation almost like hers. How does it feel like to have no friends in the class?" I know she may be strange but try to accept her, maybe can't be like a friend, but at least a neutral classmate. I BEG YOU! sIGH,,,i am stuck in the middle again. Just now, i really not know wat should i do. I can't do this, can't do that. U all say that i am too nice le. But really, no friends in the class causes people a really bad and sore feeling. Causing the feeling of having a meaningless life without friends. I tasted before that feeling just last year and i can tell u that it is not a good thing to experience. I can understand how she feels because i feel that too once. I really wanted someone in my class to be my friend and not be so hostile to me. So now, someone is like that,,i try to help them. isn't it a good thing? hope that u all will have nicer attitudes towards her. don't show too obvious...

i didn't meant to say until like that, but it is just that it really worries me.Must understand wat my thinking is.....

Don't know why, i am always stuck in the MIDDLE!!!

*next time, then i say more. i am tired of saying already.*

writtern @4:15 PM

20 May 2005 19:52

On thursday morning, i was at the JE mrt station on my way to school. So i saw this dark-skinned guy who was wearing sleeveless black shirt and jeans. By his look, he looked a bit girl. As he walked nearer, i got a shock- he put on make-up , blusher and lipstick. Hah, my eyes nearly popped out cos i have never come across such a person before. 2 students saw it too and they got the almost similar expression as me. On the same day, after school, a girl from another jc was coming into my school and i got another shock- she looked more like a guy in her kind of dressing and look. Such extremes i have to see on the same day. What has the world been coming to? Somemore, last sunday, after i have cut my hair, i was walking with my mother home. I happened to see this woman carrying something but her jacket was blocking me from seeing that thing. I thought it was a baby as the woman was busy telling the baby that the cat is scary. Cos there was a cat around there. As i walked nearer, i got a shock. She was holding a DOG!!! So strange, i have never encounter an owner telling his/ her dog how scary a cat is. I thought cats are supposed to be scared of dogs and not the other way round?

Pleased--> Thursday pe. Pe teacher teaching us how to do shotputt and discus. Wah, the shotputt is so heavy that i need to use two hands to hold it. When i held it in one hand, i feel that my hand is going to break soon. I don[t have strength to throw it and the ball caused a mini crater in the field. Sigh, spoils the school field. I remembered that my mother told us that my uncle is good at throwing this. Next, she taught us how to do discus throwing. I got trouble throwing at first, especially when there are so many people looking at me. Makes me so tense. It happened when the rest went off and ony me and another friends left to throw discuss. I threw it and marvellously, it went in a straight line and very far from others. Aha, the teacher said excellent and that i can qualify to participate in that section. Wahaha, i was so surprised and as pleased as a punch. Heehee, finally, i can do something good related to pe. Then she asked me which house i am in. I replied her: seletar. And her reply was funny, "oh." in a disappointed mood. Cos seletar always win among the houses, and she isn't in this house. Haha, so cute. This can make me happy for days. Good , good.

What a sad farewell party on wed--> Before cca starts, i wasn't look forward to cca cos i am going to miss my friends a lot. Even when one of the teachers-in-charge was saying something, i was so touched that tears threatened to fall. We had a great time eating and snapping photographs. I guess this is one of times i don't mind getting shot as in being part of the photos. First time that i eat pizza willingly cos i hate pizza when i was young. After the end of it, they started getting hugs and like wat i mentioned entries before that hugs make me cry. As more hugs i have, i started to cry. It was a really sad sad event. The j1s saw me crying. Instructor was saying , don't cry already. Yah, i am that emotional. I think they try to joke by saying that is it my ears are hurting. After they left, i still have tears rolling. Sorry, i couldn't control. I couldn' teven concentrate on dancing. Sad....

June holidays are coming and i really welcomed it. I gotta go malaysia for 3 days.Wahaha. At least going somewhere. But, must study study real hard. Must pass with flying colours. BOUNCE BACK, BE RESILENT!!! I remember what my sec school principal said. I miss my sec school life. hOW HAPPY WE ALL WERE, except a few drawbacks loh. Bu xiang kan dao ( yi ke shu)....

writtern @3:58 PM

16 May 2005 22:25

- insignificant me
-i feel like an inflated balloon
- feel so small
-i want to be in sims 2 but without aging
-feel like a ghost, not in j2, not really j1. Where do i belong?
I feel like i am stuck in midair, not going up nor down. Getting confused again. I kind of fear what will happen the next day. My voice is getting soft. Why? Is it that feeling of being small?

I want to help others but the thing is i have no idea what to say to them or do. Give me some ways to do so? Because what i am facing are strange or extreme situations that i do not know how to tackle them. Why is it i always landed up with things that are so strange that no other experiences it? I am like a small voice in their heads that they tend to ignore. Getting invisible again among a different group of people. What will my future with them be like? I normally look forward to that day, but nowadays i kind of dread it.

Yesterday, my mother was talking to me about something. I was shocked to hear that. And sadly, it reminds me of that thing that happen last year. Sigh, i actually don't know what i want. If i did what i wished i had did, how will the outcome be? I most likely be shocked until i couldn't say anything. Aiya, i don't know. Questions after questions make me confused even more.

I really want to be at least someone that ppl remembers. no idea.

writtern @3:54 PM

14 May 2005 12:45

hi...this week was quite a lot of things to say about, i already noted it in my organiser so i kind of remember how the day goes for me...haha, my friends told me that they noticed a trend in me. on mon and tues, i will be blur but on wed and thurs, i will go crazy. hmmm, interesting.

Monday
Today was the day that i got dance practice before the next day. Yeah, i apologised for not being that serious during practice. I didn't mean to, i guess people not like me being too exaggerating. I find it fun to dance with my dance members together again. That's why i started talking and smiling while dancing. Aiya, i think the school always so last minute. Don't even have a combined rehearsal.Didn't even practice on friday, why must it be the day before? We kind of practiced but i have problem due to lack of space. Kind of no energy tat day.

My friend showed me the timetable and the this year promos start very early. Oct instead of Nov. i MUST go up to J2!!!!!!!! Jia you!!! Bu yao luo you!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday
Sigh, too bad i couldn't be excused for pe. I worried i do not have enough energy to dance. 2 performances leh, who won't get tired? I hate makeup and earrings. Aiyo, i looked like a baboon. During the performances, i don't know why people kept on laughing. I guess they not know how to appreciate culture. During the j2 performance, i swinged my hair so happily that i didn't realised my headband was loose. Sigh..so unlucky. Weird, people so easily find out where i am. So obvious?

After tuition class, i don' tknow why i am always happy. He is a terrific teacher.

Wednesday
Feel so sad after election-> don't know wat is the underlying reason
thank my friends for believing that i can be suitable for certain posts, but if i go to have post, i don't think the new ones will be happy. they don't know me well, i think they will forget me very fast. i don't think some people like me. so it is hard for me to do so.
hope life will be okay once they leave.
i got an idea for a souvenier to the j2s. that is to record their voices and put inside a cd. for everyone.

Thurs and Friday
fed up with people who are not serious during lessons or lectures.
hard for me to concentrate like that
this batch loves to have fun..but must have limit mah.
compared to last year batch and this year, i prefer the old one. more serious kind of....
sigh...next time i cannot be so nice liao, help ppl instead not being grateful to me..
i told my friend, next time i won't help liao...

Sat
dinner with my paternal relatives
kept quiet all the time
nothing to say mah
i am already drifting away from my cousins already
becoming strangers for so many years

Sunday
i cut my hair already, feel so light, i miss my hair that is being cut away..
learning how to fold stars for my teacher who is going to leave this school next year
rushing to do my hw due for this week and studying my geography notes especially
can't get in my head for weathering

writtern @3:40 PM

Sunday, May 22, 2005

2 May 2005 21:09

Nowadays, i feel so empty. I got many desires but one of the desire is.. I want hugs. I feel like i was back to becoming a kid, such a long time since people hug me. Every grownup is still like a child at heart, they want something that a child normally gets. And that includes me.

hmm..i think when i was young, i seldom got hugs, mostly they pinch my cheeks. Hah...and i hated it cos it is so painful. ' Why don't pick on somebody your own size?' haha. Don't understand why leh, how come my other cousins never got pinched by the relatives and only me? Maybe trends have change. Maybe the oldest got tortured..heehee...refering to me.

aiya, but when ppl give me hugs, i feel like going to cry. For example: before syf, the teacher-in-charge and the rest of the people hug each other . i remember cynthia said to me: " give me your sehnesss..." and everyone else also hug me. Don't know why, but just make me going to cry. luckily, i try to control myself, if not, i will really cry/bawl out loud. And i will look worse than a babooon. I hate makeup...!!

anyway, that morning, i already cried because of the stupid ear pierccing thing. my dance instructor commented :" i tot u are not that type who cry because of little things. "

maybe i grow up too fast liao, though i dont look old. i mean that at an early age, i do not need my parents' attention cos they have to take care of my younger brother. And from that time onwards, i was kind of alone, as in they don't really notice me that much....aiya, i don't know how to say..

sigh..hmmm...i guess i will still resort to hugging my bolster....

writtern @6:50 PM

1 May 2005 00:15

Such a long time since i have chatted on the phone with a friend. Miss the old days where i mostly go out after school with my friends and my juniors back in secondary school. Such a long time since i saw them. In just 3 words, i should say that : I MISSED THEM!!

The holidays of Jcs and polys are so different that i couldn't meet and go out with them. Most of my best buddies are in poly and they are so busy too. They have loads of projects to deal with and lots of deadlines, just like every other student. But...at different times. We kept on postponing the dates that we were going to meet. We were all supposed to celebrate both of our birthdays and in the end, we didn't get to meet. Sad...i want to share all our problems together, but yet, we couldn't find time. I worry we will be distant from each other soon. Well, hope not.

After i have stepped into JC life, i think i have not talk much. I think i talk less until i could be nearly equivalent to a "dumb". I remember that last yr OBS, one of my classmates was shocked that i spoke and he finally heard my voice. Hah. This leads me to thinking of a Funny incident--> During camp, the guys were cooking for all of us and one of them ask me: want to eat? so i said yes, then they cooked. After that,i was busy eating. A while later, the guys were looking at me and searching for something. I was puzzled and they started laughing. You know why? They cooked without added the seasonal stuff..all i was eating was just plain noodles and hot water. And i didn't find the taste bland.Haha...I think thru this camp, my classmates thought that i am a total coward. Cos i cried two times and isolated myself away from everyone. I think i feel like a hermit, back then. I felt so alone, cos i don't know anyone in class. Once i have no friends with me, i feel so uncomfy that i want to escape from it. I mostly attempted running away. It is in my nature. I just don't like to socalise. I really fear deep water, heights and death. This camps show how i reacted when i have fear. No one will force me to go OBS camp, never again...i don't want to go...

I couldn't talk more to my jc2 friends cos they are so busy with work. Just feel so empty. Can't even think of things to talk about. My mind is blank. I am getting worser....

*talk more next time*
*to be continued*

writtern @6:49 PM

28 April 2005 21:37

Nowadays, i am not in a good mood--> sad and bad mood. Why?? Because of a certain subject...

I didn't mean to skip make-up lesson. If i know it is a compulsory lesson for everyone, i would have gone. But, i didn't even know about it. Then, wat is make-up lesson? Firstly, the words are used to mean for students who didn't study for the 1st 3 mths. Then secondly, they make it to mean for every student. So, wat am i supposed to know which occasion is for which meaning?? And in the end, i ended up being a "bad" student. "What i am supposed to do" has caused me a bad mark in my conduct card. Sigh...

Secondly, there was a homework to be done and must be submitted in before 7.45am. And i FORGOTTEN!! i was stiill happily walking into class...I only remember about the submission of that homework during my econs lecture. I looked at my handbook and i got a shock that i forgotten about it. A while later, the teacher sms me and told me that for my punishment, i need to present 3.3 of tys to the whole class. I personally don't mind teaching but i definitely mind that it is a punishment. Just now in school, after recieving that sms, i feel like going to cry. I feel like going hojme early and dance until i feel calm again. I really feel like getting out of my frustration thru dance.

But i really didn't mean all these things to happen. I think once i am unlucky, i keep on getting unlucky.

What the teacher may be thinking is that i am a totally 'bad student'. Didn't hand in work n didn't attend class for a certain period of time. I worry that, she think that, i thought that already retained, i sure know a lot of things and don't need teacher's help. BUT I STILL NEED IT! IT IS JUST THAT I HAPPENS TO FORGET ABOUT IT OR DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT!!!!

i told my friend about this and she tot i sounded stressed in the messages.. hmm..don't know about that..but i really am innocent. Who will be relax if someone wrongly accuses of that person for doing something that he has not done? If that person is guilty and still claims that he is not wrong, i think he needs to think about it. But i wasn't guilty and of course, i will keep on denying that i didnt do it. SIGH....bad mood until i couldn't even feel like eating. No aPPETITE....

I enjoy yesterday's cca session. I learn a lot of things because the instructor is here. Yeah..we gave her the present and sang a fast happy bday song...We basically learn hiphop stuff and a few dance steps. They are nice. I know how to do ripple. Hmmm..i already know about the "moving of ribcage" thing. Hope i could get along with the new people.Wonder wat the future will hold for me in the cca....

Today, when i woke up, i felt my whole body aching and i didn' thave
the energy to do my pe. After pe, i saw some girls went to bath. I felt so sticky and smelly and i couldn't concentrate on lessons...

Yeah, everyone has their own problems..sometimes i feel so helpless on how to help them. Everyone wants someone to talk to regarding their problems. Yeah, i can welcome that. I think i will be able to understand what they are going thru cos i may happen to have the same situation as them. Recently, to my surprise, i didnt' know another person has the same situation. Also, I realised some truth that wat my e-f say was just own imagination. The reality is just wat i expected....

Hope the next day will be better for everyone...like the old song title: ming tian hui gen hao....

writtern @6:48 PM

26 April 2005 23:28

Overall Comments: Life is alright, so-so, with no dramatic extreme changes.Nothing much to note, but mostly some things that just do not come to my mind at the moment will come to my mind later. And by the time, it is too late. As a result, i didn't make certain things clear to people and people have difficulty understanding me and wat i am going to say and also my situation.

Lessons:
I didn't attend a "make-up lesson" last friday. I was very shocked when my teacher told me that i didn't attend the friday's lesson. Firstly, i didn't know of it. Secondly, i tot make-up lesson was for those who didn't have knowledge on that topic. So why me? Now i am confused of wat is the actual definition of a "make-up lesson". If it is a compulsory lesson for everyone to go, why don't call it a compulsory lesson instead of a make-up lesson? Hmm,i like teaching people in econs mcq, don't know why, should be giving myself the satisfaction that people understand better.

Geography is nice. But it is just that, there are too many resources to find from and i have difficulty making the right choice of wat resource to use. Geography is interesting. I begin to understand how the world is and begin to appreciate geography, environment and the world. I think i like stuff that has depth in it..as in words and more words. Words are beautiful and they may even hold deeper meanings in between the lines. But mostly, i don't get the deeper meaning. Haha.

Maths is alright for me. Just that hope i can manage to not only pass but pass with flying colours. I think my maths is better compared to the last year. Last year, i totally have a poor foundation. However, i still do not have the confidence in doing a test. I have already started doing my tys and for every single question. Haha, my maths teacher say i become an expert in binomial theorem because i finish the whole unit in tys. But, no lah,i think i still need more practice for that. I am going to present a maths question in front of the class tomorrow. Hope that i will become braver and able to let my classmates understand. Haha, i myself also don' t know why is it like that?

Last year, gp was my most favourite subject and i spend all my energy towards it. I think, this year, i do not really have the energy to it because i spread all my energy to all my subjects and of course, my cca. My gp is getting rusty, have to try hard to get things right and get use to the format. Pw, this year, is harder than last year. I could not even get a suitable topic and i can't think of one. Luckily, i do not need to redo and i just have to concentrate on my A-level subjects. Wahaha, good.

CCA:
We will have the last performance on 10 May for the school. Hmm, will we not have the need to go to lessons on that day? We haven't even practice since we finish SYF. The instructor is not even here since the end of our Syf. Where and wat happen to her? Wat are we going to do with the J1S? We can't expect them to do other things n we practice our syf? so weird. I don't get it...

I have recently been learning a set of korean streetdance steps but i haven't learn finish it all. I just only manage to do 1 fourth of the set, i guess. So slow..Am i a slow learner? Hah, i have no idea.

Nowadays, i feel so excited,as usual, going to CCA. But after CCA ended, i feel so empty. Why? Because i didn't learn anything from it. All i do was just to revise the dance steps and act as advisor to my fellow dancemates because i COULDN'T TEACH! I want to learn something from the instructor! i think i am being a disgraceful person. I can be compared to complements, i got X but i don't have Y. I need both X and Y to work. In the end, i can't do anything. I want to dance dance dance.....all day long.

Today:
During pc/ct lesson, we all celebrated my classmate's bday. Haha. The cake is nice. Hmm..we celebrated her bday and those before her...ya..i was one of them. at first, i refused to go up cos i don't like to be the centre of attention. But never mind, the star of that day is her. A group together is better than one person alone. Very gan ga, especially for me. I hate to be in the centre of attention....

pe time--> was horrible for me, becuase i didn't have the strength to do the warm ups today. poor phyisical strength today. i was so smelly. my legs were wobbly at the end of day.

when i reach home, i try to open my eyes wide and stay awake and do hw. but in the end, i want to sleep. cos if i dont'..i think my head is going to explode. i couldn't wake up after that, if my brother didn't wake me up. I just feel like i am going to be sick. I was feeling irritated today and sighed a lot at home. I got fed up of always watching programmes with facts in it such as cna, news. I am that kind of person who needs to read or watch programmes with stories or storyline in it, not facts, facts and more facts. I need stories to bring me away from reality. But apparently, my parents not allowing me to do so. I got sick of facts. Can i at least get to watch some drama serials or read storybooks? I feel like blowing up....once i read or watch stories, they are angry. sigh..

in my msn messenger list..i saw someone with an interesting nick....

"when u are working, people don't care. when u are resting, people will stare!"

hmmm...i think there is quite a deep meaning. Working can be say: studying, revising and doing homework. People --> parents. Stare --> notice not doing work and being unhappy about the person not working hard enough. i think this quote is mostly applicable to students. parents always say that children do not study enough. i didn't come across parents who say children study too enough and should rest more...

writtern @6:46 PM

22 April 2005 20:03

hmm..today was actually a so-so day, quite draggy too. Feel like if this day might never end. Finally clear doubts about maths, Hate that long journey either going to school or coming home. How i wish i could just "teleport" home, like what my friend always say.

I can get along with most of the people in my class and this is great. Compared to my last year class, this class are nice to get along and we kind of help each other out. But, i am unhappy with certain people, especially those who like to push the blame to other innocent people. I am not in any position to say this but just that, certain stuff are really unfair to certain people. Haha, i also feel that most people in my class are strange, stranger behaviour, habits and attitudes. Should be said that they are types that i have never come across before.

The dance instructor kept on did not come to teach us. In the end, my friend has to teach them. Honestlly speaking, i remember the steps, but i don't know how to teach. Of course lah, i practice everyday. But not many people know that.Hmmm..i guess i can only teach people who are sincere in learning. Don't know why but people always don't seem to pay attention to me. I can only teach a few people. I hope i can get along well with the rest of the new ones. Trying my best to adapt to a old environment with new people in it. I didn't really enjoy the recent practices. I rather have a focus in mind, such as syf..performance and others. I rather have the Syf times back again as it was so fun with them. Yah, and they can laugh at my running..haha

Don't know why, but i just like to teach econs mcq. Once they understand, i feel that i have achieved something. That is great. Hope i can try to enlighten those who are not enlightened,

writtern @6:44 PM

7 April 2005 23:24

Sigh, dance is one of my main concerns..joy and pain too...the syf is reallly really around the corner and we have not even improve the performance of the dance yet. On wednesday, after dance, my friend was hopping mad and in the end, cried angrily. Hmmm..yeah, i can understand how she feels. i feel that too but i didn't let out the anger like that. i just feel disappointed instead, not that high degree of feeling angry. Maybe it is because i have already experiened what my real anger version is like and know that people will be scared of me if i show my maximum anger exactly the thing that happened during sec 2. Oh no, i am definitely not going to show that to people. I am trying to be "dormant" now.

Again, i should emphasised that no matter how often i got praised (which is my pride)..hehe, i need to say that i got flaws too. Just that my flaws ain't that serious kind of, from what i see. First, i do not smile while i dance. No choice, i couldn't bring myself to smile. The reason is i feel like a fool when i smile during dancing time. Second, i run like a ninja turtle,haha. I didn't tell my instructor that when i was young, i got super obsessed with ninja turtles. During the period of my obession with turtle superheros, i refused to wear other t-shirts that are not ninja turtles. Haha, in the end, i was very smelly. They even searched many places to buy me clothes with pictures of ninja turtles. Haha. Funny obession. Hmmm..now i see the latest ninja turtles cartoon, i think the old one is better than the new version. The new version looks kind of evil, especially the turtles' eyes. Not nice...

Hmmm..should i list what problems we are facing? yeah, i probably should.hehe, not listing ppl's bad stuff but i feel that we need to know wat we are having problems with. Let's just analyse it...

The most important thing is that there is a lack of strength. Tribal people need strength, if not, how to do primary sectors' work? We all need to steer our minds away from studies, personal problems,worries and others and just just concentrate on dance. Too bad, they didin't get to watch one performance, it was great cos they had lots of energy and gave us audience a fresh taste or outlook.

Secondly, we also need to have a feel of how a tribal person feels in his/her life, the moment of being attacked and so on. If don't have that feel or in her shoes, it is hard to bring out the same feeling to the audience. Sigh...how to help them in all this?

Also, we need to remember the steps until it is really smoothly. if keep on forgetting..then..die liao...what ever improvments done to the steps, people has to be aware of wat are the changes and immmediately update it in their minds.if not..we will be repeating the same old thing again.

Other issues...i hope time can help to tell people that i am not totally in the wrong and also i hope time can help me find the person whom i want to know the answers from...i kept on thinking and thinking. wat if it was not what i think it was, have i wasted my effort and time to think about it for so long? Please...just tell me the answers and i won't waste your time. i beg u ............................

writtern @6:42 PM

3 April 2005 19:54

Looking out at the window
thinking about that day
is my assumption correct?
that i may not know
i just want to know what really happen back then?
i looked back and regret.
should i have done something that time?
or
should u have done something that time?
i just got questions all in my mind
the same old questions for so many days
if we really and mean to be at least friends,
that we will see each other pretty soon.

This issue makes me related to the song "deep sorrow"by shinhwa...love shinhwa lots

writtern @6:41 PM

2 April 2005 9:46

sigh..i truly did something bad which is very bad..in the end..i am not sure whether i should trust that person or should i not. The way other people say...i am doubtful. I didn't know it will turn until like that..causing trouble and i am one of those being involved. I kept on thinking about it and worried by it too. A good year being spoilt by this...I think i better hang around with those i know better.

Dance dance dance...yeah i like it..no ..love it! My friend offered me a chance to perform with them in the anti-drug dance competition which is next year.I was so pleased that i got asked.hehe..hmm..if i didn't get chosen by the school cos the school instructor is gonna change.then i may join that. I already learn some of the korean street dance steps with shinhwa song..and it is cool. As in..i learn it by myself ,not used for the actual dance competition. I also feel honoured that i got chosen to do some different other steps in SYF. At least, people recognised that i got something special.hehe. I hope SYF will turn out gold..hee

I find that geography is better than studying physcis. I feel more motivated to revise to study. hmm.i guess i finally find a nice combi. I feel like i kinda have a good start in studies. Hope i will get exempted for all the subjects..

Regarding another thing, sigh,,i keep on thinking back to what happen end of last year. My new friends say directly that it is that. But i not think so. I mean i don't think people will like me lah..so i feel that what they mean is different from what i think it was. How i wish i could find out what is the real reason....i am waiting for their yr bk..but i not know for wat am i going to do with it? Yeah, most ppl will say don't think about it..but how am i not supposed not to think about it. I just want answers. With answers, i am satisfied.
"Y did u never say anything...y must u choose that day?i hope u can find me n give me answers. Answers are all i want from u."

writtern @6:38 PM

23 March 2005 11:35

You know what, i am getting so fed up with things and especially people. People absolutely have no idea the two sides of any story, they just heard of one side or what it seems to them and immediately concluded that this is the right side they are seeing. Well, i am fed up of this.

Yeah, i am kind of too sensitive and ponders things for quite a bit long time before i come to a conclusion or an action. Sometimes, people accuse me of something i did not do and i did not say a word. Yeah, tat's the point, i did not say a word and they tend to treat it as though i am guilty of what they are acusing. Oh man, there are many false accusations that are piled up against me and because of that, i am gooing to explode soon with my own side of the story.

My father kept on seeing me at home doing nothing- such as revising or homework. Well, i can do it before he is home. Why can't I? Did it ever occur to him that i did it at school? Picture this, i kept on doign work non-stop in school even though i did have breaks. Everytime i got breaks, i head to the library and do my work. I even do my work while eating. My hands never stop writing. I spend all my time and energy focusing in school until my hands ache and my head is going to explode soon. Once i am at home, i am too tired cause i spend all my energy during school hours. Why can't i rest at home?? Have he see my condition in school? I already too tired at home n still don't let me rest.. How i wish i can do non-stop for 24 hours...but even robots do need to rest...MAIN EXPLOSION NUMBER 1!!!

I have a feeling my ct does not like me. Why? Probably i didn't talk much n kept quiet all the time..sticking with certain ppl.Hah, i am the type who believes that other people has more knowledge than me and wat i know is just less than one drop of water in the ocean. I feel that the inexperience ones should not talk such as me. I am too too self-consicous n because of that, I dare not say anything. Somemore, people won't even want to hear wat i want to say, so might as well keep quiet. EXPLOSION NUMBER 2!

I need respect. People just refuse to listen to what i am saying n that frustrates me. I already gave them opportunity to talk n i listen. Once i want to talk, they don't want to listen. Reeallly really fed up!!!!!
EXPLOSION NUMBER 3!!!

23 March 2005 11:35

Oh my, by just listing most of the things that make me fed up..i am really fed up..frustrated...furious...agitated.....hmmmph........

SHOULD I STAY SILENT FOREVER?
OR
SHOULD I SPEAK OUT?

They won't even want to hear my side of the story. Kept on saying they are right. Well, every one is not always right..why should they be?? Oh yah,,,so i am always wrong? For many times, i kept on thinking when will i ever got at least a strength cos all i see is all just weaknesses. What u are really lacking is the respect for others and should not be too self-centered! If u are nice people ..i would have already open up...

I want my justice!

writtern @6:37 PM

4th June 2003 15:57

i hate everything that comes across on me now..
i just want to...
i just want to do wat i want in my own way, is that very hard to get for?
i have been thinking, they are pushing me to a certain limit...so am i going to stay numb..or do something about it?
i always dream of having my own house...i can do watever i want without ppl busy disturbing me..their noises and din of what they make...makes me just fee like living all on my own, who wants noise?
for so many years....i think it is best to just disappear into my own world..just forget wat they did to me
ren yao zhuo tactful de,bu ke zhuo tactless de.
(this is the most meaningful sentence i have come out with)
i know from wat i have written in the diary..i may be a boring person from wat u have seen here, more of a sorrowful person
well, even if the sun is shining brightly, pain is all around...

21 june 2003 16:23

june 21 is special day alright...i gotta hp bk, met A& someone

HP BOOK 5TH i bought it! i am so happy..this is the 1st time i bought hp book on the 1st day of arrival..
i know the reason why there is adult and children version of it
i met amy on the way to tuition late.
i met someone i forgot wat his name |(phpps) at westmall

today..my father finally did up the network system..so my bro and i can use the 2 computers at the same time with access to internet.,,, yippee!

the sad thing is..... 3 good teachers are going away ..
why!!!!
i feel so sad...i cna't even give them to write my autograph book!

30 july 2003 9:59

when someone dear to u is gone, do u find emptiness inside u, i do

6 Aug 2003 15:32
to u it may sound crazy, way down inside my heart, i am drowning

src="http://members.lycos.co.uk/powersugoi/quiz/lovehina/lovehina_shinobu.gif">
You're responsible, sweet, gentle and lovable! You have a loving heart, a great respect for all creatures (human, great and small), and the ability to see the thing that makes each individual special. However, you tend to overlook the things that make you special, and thus, putting you in a position to be pushed around by others. Take some time everyday to reflect on your qualities, and see that you don't have to please everyone and still be loved for who you are. Which Love Hina Girl Are You?

20 August 2003 10:47

if i don't care..that means i have given up

the title doesn't refer to my studies.
it refer to other stuff..
to tell u the truth, i am feeling that i can't cope with life..social life especially...
things just messing up the whole thing..
by the way...i went home from Clementi and saw someone that looked like Matthew! wat a surprise...
he looks so big....but mayb he is not???
who knows?
wel...i feel like talking to someone else....but at this time..i guess no body is interested in hearing me say out..
everything just stuck inside my heart
how to get things out?
when ppl ain't hearing??

29 Aug 2003 7:28

let the tears of joy and pain be the stars above,got none to care, i am confused

eriously...nowadays i have been rather confused
i dont' know who i should trust and believe in.......
dear heart....what problems do u have?
i just rather feel i should be careful to whom i am talking, it is very easy to tread in deep waters nowadays. sigh...
i have many tears of joy and pain, will it be stored in my heart always?? The none to care part was that i just feel i am rather alone, none to lean on...
just alone in this world....
HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!
i went back and was kinda lost. nobody close i know was there. just walking here and there, here and there. seriously, nobody even acknowledged me. i went up to the hall, the hall was super small. everyone was minding their own business. i remembered that my brother said that

19 Dec 2003 9:19
can i restart my life? pretty please?

hi... long time no using this diary...many things sure have happened....
i have finished my Os and now is feeling helpless...
i have recorded down some of the days i spent....but they are not in a normal form....
see below.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
28 Oct 2003
Title: Complicated World

Wish you can hear what I am gonna to say.
That uncomfortable feeling
been weighing me down.
An additional storm
been depressing me.
Worst, gotta burst
Been getting out of myself,
See the world in "out-of-person" view.
So dizzy, yet so overwhelming.
The future really seemed uncertain.

Wish I could dance like the swaying trees.
Wish I could sing like the beautiful swallows
Wish I could jump high like Tigger.
Wish I could be carefree like the sunny flowers
There are so many wishes to accomplish
Yet, it is hard to live like this
In such a ......
Complicated world

Note: I am not sure whether swallows can sing...
Tigger is a cartoon character in Winnie the Pooh

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The day before the exams start....
Sunday 2.10 p.m.
2nd November 2003

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
I am terrified, depe down inside
The days just gone past quickly
without halting a while to rest
THe period of sorrow has come
Why is it so so fast
until I couldn't believe my eyes?

I don't feel prepared,
not at all
Nothing to help me feel calm
nothing at all
My heart went pounding
faster like a horse galloping
Can't calm it down
Can't at all.

Tommorrow, I got to step in the room of changing emotions
just like everyone else does.

I can only hope
hope that emotions will be postive after that.
H
O
P
E

19 Dec 2003 9:47

recall the past dreams

Dreams are a mystical thing..i guess. When i looked back to my past dreams...i feel they are weird....
I sure can say out a few..

For example: something that is related to studies ..i guess the future one
should i read into the dreams like that..or just ..?

writtern @9:23 AM