♥A Love Affair

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

"The Future depends on what we do in the present." - Gandhi
Quite a meaningful quote by a famous person.
Have to bear this in mind...yeah... ^_^

My ultimate dream is a secret. It is so impossible and also that people will be laughing their heads off if they know what it is. Probably roll 50 rounds on the floor.Probably vomitting behind my back. Haha.So far, i told a few people. Whew, luckily, they didn't laugh, i thought so. Singapore means reality, down-to-earth kind. So, that means i can't fulfill my dream in here. Boo hoo. Makes my heart break to know that i can't be able to get what i want. I am terribly sad.

Yeah, so down to earth decisions. I want to be a dance professional. Is it possible? I think it is still impossible hah. Boo hoo. I don' t have the background. no looks. inflexible.
Also, want to be a phpps teacher. my own promise to the school when i said my goodbyes to her the day i left the school for secondary education.

Other stuff..
i was surprised that she suddenly talk to me. huh..it has been years since we talk after the terrible event. yeah, so i think i am forgiven bah. hope so.

i told my few friends about the latest news.
One said that...beyond hope le.
The other said that..i can't believe there is such extremes.
Another said...probably understand..but pretend not to. spending more time digesting in.

Hah, i have no idea wat's in mind. hope will change for the better. no matter wat changes are there, i won't bother already. my heart can't accept already. being taken for granted. leaving a scar behind.

feel so lonely..hee. didn't go out at all. so far, friends are busy loh,,don't really hear any replies back..boohoo...hope can go out loh..feel so kind of deprived..it is not fun staying at home all day long. i will spend more time sleeping instead of studyig..sigh..must slowly switch holiday mood to studying mood..

kk byez..

writtern @9:47 PM

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Don't know wat's happening to me. Feeling so down.
I guess there is a mixture of reasons why- the recent event and that i rented korean drama series ( Summer scent) which probably makes me sad and heart-broken.

The female main character in the drama series is so pretty. Yah, my mother agrees about that.A girl who loves flowers. So sweet girl. I admire her. How i wish i can be like her.She looks so lovely when she smiles. Just like an angel. No wonder got 2 people liking her. Haha. The male main character is so nice to her even though he is not suppose to like her. Feel so touched. Too bad the main problem is that they can't be together. I actually watched the whole drama series part 1 in only 3 days. Hah...12 vcds --> 3 days. The shop allows me to rent it out for 2 weeks and i finished it in 3 days. Shows how i am really a tv addict. I got hooked on the drama series. Couldn't help putting in the vcds and watching it continuously. Just love their drama series cos i got too engrossed in it and share their emotions. Yah, so that could explain why i am feeling down recently. Feel their pain. Could see their sorrow in their eyes. Eyes can tell how one's feel.

Their songs in the drama series are nice and very meaningful. I just love korean stuff. Wahaha. Just makes my heart feel so touched. In reality, too bad, there's not such lovely and sad stories. I wanna be in it..haha. Anyway, it won't happen to me if there are such things as in love stories. Just enjoy drama series bah. Heez. ^_^

Today, listen to japanese and korean songs and trying to sing along with it. I anyhow sing de. Haha. One of my talents is to anyhow sing. Haha. Since young, in pre-school, i just anyhow sing with no meaning and up to now, i still dont' know what songs are that. My father sometimes follows the way i sing that 2 songs. So embarassing when i hear that from him occasionally. Reminds me of how foolish i was when i was like 2 years old. I feel that japanese and korean songs can fit into what i am feeling and for certain songs, i will fill in a image or event or feelings about something. They are just like memories to me when i hear certain songs. For example: song from SPEED crying in the rain, reminds me of how sad i was last year and i tot of that song during last year's cross-country race. I was alone running in the rain. At that time, i looked up at the sky and felt: why am i such a dissappointment? lously in studies..lously in everything..i am a really good-for-nothing.
Anyway, singing songs from different languages is quite an experience. i feel like expressing myself in another language. Going to learn 2 languages after As.

December reminds me of something. Regretting something. impossible to have a chance to meet. well, just one little bit of hoping that i may get to... maybe not even recognise me. hah..no idea. secretly, i tot chance may come again....

* i want to know the meaning of this...i am going to walk the streets again until i meet u....*

writtern @9:01 PM

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I still feel very disappointed.

My heart is broken into a milllion pieces.

Being nice to people and thought that the others just spread rumours without any proper evidences. If the rumours are true, until i see it for myself, i would know. I thought that i can try my best to care for her where no other people did. Be with her when she is alone or avoided by the rest of the class. Maybe the rest has lower patience level and that's why they couldn't stand her. Trying to understand her position in class.

But, i was really wrong AS USUAL. It happened in the later part of the year. I recieved a major blow straight in front of my face. It startled me and until now, i still couldn't believe my ears. Did i really hear that comment? Yes, really I did.

Stretching out my hand to help her which i think i am the last and only one to do it. Yet, i got the relatively worst insult ever. Wat's this?? I trusted her and believed that she is not the image which others make up of her. Until i finally woke up from the illusion that she's a nice person.

Feeling so emotionally hurt. Gave just one word: sorry. Well, sorry is a easy word to just say out. Say out, does not even mean she really means it. Just for the sake of saying it. No matter how many sorrys are said, it can't heal my heart. Again,i emphasised i am a fool to believe that she's a nice person.

My heart is broken by her and i will never interact with her. why should i be giving myself another miserable year with her?

she must learn her lesson, if not, she will never learn. she thinks ppl around her are the ones with problem, but she hasn't think about the possiblity of her being the source of the problem. I don't think she even knows how do people reflect on their own actions and behaviour. We will all be happy without her.

feel that she needs to see a counsellor cos i think she is sufffering from depression. was about to say it during the session but it would be so mean.Ah..should have said it. be mean. since she's mean to so many ppl.

don' know wat i should do to make me feel better.

writtern @11:45 PM

Friday, November 18, 2005

today was the last day of school finally. gotta to do lots of hw and revise and prepare for the year 2 work. i hope i am up to it. Majority of my friends have already experienced it earlier than me. Now it's my turn to experience. Can i really make it? kept on joking about needing mental checkups for probably every month. I wonder what will happen to the class? I think it will merge with another class.

Finally said out my peace, but i am still angry after the whole session. Why? Cos still doesn't get it. Feel like doing something physically to ..but i must restrain myself from doing so. Feel like hitting something, but i will hurt myself. Why should i be causing myself pain? Oh..i would love to do some pain to someone else...until --- understands!!!!

I am not going to bother next year. Totally tired of being so kind to people who dont' deserve it at all. Hah. feel like rattling her brains and shook her and ask her whether she understand why is she so being hated by the whole class and more than that!!!

Tired of her nonsense. So disappointed. she hasn't seee my ultimate limits.
so nice to her and yet she insulted me!!! not only me..but insulted tons of ppl out there.
kept on complaining that ppl are the ones who bully her and she's the victim.
hah..she's the one who hurt people first...
aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....................................
i am so so so furious....

writtern @11:06 PM

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Finally, we knew our promotional results yesterday. I didn't dream of anything about my results the day before. Probably i was too tired due to doing geo promos corrections. Then i was thinking: will my earlier dreams considered to be valid? Dreaming about getting kicked out. Dreaming about maths getting 53. {disappointed if i get that.i need 57 real badly}Dreaming about gp getting A1 {ahem..which is so much impossible} Dreaming that i need 30 plus marks to pass geo..{another impossible one}

On the day itself, we were very nervous. Actually i was quite okay until 1.30pm. 2 pm was the time to release the results to all of us. I was kinda disappointed that i did't dream of it the day before because this makes me feel so uncertain. My results can be anything. I feel like killing myself if i didn't make it. I am also so confused about whether should my father come to meet the teachers. I don't want my father to come. Hee.

1.30pm. After econs teacher released us early and we had to wait in agony in the classroom before the release of results. We held each other's hands for a moment. Time past painfully slow. Just 2 minutes gone. My friends and I started to feel the nervousness. What's my fate?? I feel awkward bringing my father to school because i thought rest of the classmates won't be bringing their parents along. Actually it was supposed to be the ct who helped to distribute, then becamme the geo teacher, then became the other maths teacher and hod. One group of classmates can still play watever. They seem so relaxed. The rest were feeling wat everyone should be feeling at such a situation.

2pm. The teachers came in. Maths teacher put a stack of papers and 2 packets of tissue.. Everyone got even worried when they saw the tissue. We were still in agony because the teachers realised that there was a clash of classes and we shouldn't be in this classroom. After moving, the head told us that they are going to split us in groups to give. He said the names from a list. I was wondering whether was it just random/promoted/retained? But as he read along, i feel much better, dont' know why. Yah, my name was included. We had to move to the other classroom and he will give us our results.

It was quite fast. Yippee, i got promoted. Happy with my gp and econs. But very disapointed with my maths especially. I can't believe i did so badly with my maths. -_______________-"". What did i do wrong? Where did i go wrong.
Geo...i find it a pity. i know the content but my poor time management caused me to have low marks. Ahhh...hate it...
In conclusion, i am happy that i got promoted but i am unsatisfied with my resutls.. Could have done better. My hard work kinda paid off. First, called my parents who were downstairs. In the end, my parents didnt need to meet teachers. Were hugging my friends. Cos we all got promoted. Yeah, a cause for celebration..but not really loh. if u know us well..then u will know why..not so happy..haha...Next..i smsed to most of my friends about my good news. Haha, so touched and my heart feel so warm when i recieved their messages. Grateful for them. Last year, they comforted me when they knew i couldn't make it. Now, they gotta share my joy. Glad to have them and know them in my jc life. Without them, i think i will still be in depression. ^_^ Now my inbox is so full with their messages andi need to write them down in my diary. Cos they are so touching that i couldn't bear to delete it. So write down loh. Haha..sentimental person.

But the other classroom was very solemn. It was pure agony. We were standing outside to give them support. Tha'ts wat the teacher told us to do. So we did. People were crying. I feel quite miserable. I will not be in the same classs as them. I felt like crying actually but i controlled. don't want to let even more people seeeing me crying. embarassing. but tat time was..i was really scared...
I will miss them. We are quite one happy class..friendly..humourous and carefree. Unfortunately, good things must come to an end. It is the starting of a very bumpy journey. Now our class is only around 12 or 14 people out of the actual 25 class size.

writtern @11:17 PM

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I was surfing the net when i came across the BBC website. Actually was reading more about the global dimming, realised that there are 2 dangers- global warming and global dimming. Interesting, i didnt know about it until i watch a documentary about global warming.

Global dimming is a term describing the gradual reduction in the amount of sunlight observed reaching the Earth's surface since the 1950s. The effect varies by location but globally is of the order of a 5% reduction over the three decades 1960-1990; the trend has reversed during the past decade. Global dimming creates a cooling effect that may have led scientists to underestimate the effect of greenhouse gases on global warming. Scientists discovered that global temperatures are increasing but the evaporate rate is falling. There must be something wrong with the earth. Human impact affects it tremendously. If we didn't correct it in time, the rate of temperature increasing will more than double.

Then i was taking a surveys in BBC. One is about how art shape the world..something like that. So it asked me to put a choice for the right-handed or left-handed thing. Luckily, it gave me a third option- ambidextrous. Haha, finally i got the word to describe what i am if people ask me whether i am right-handed or left-handed. Hey..i am ambidextrous. Haha..what a nice word to describe my situation. Just one word to describe it instead of going through the whole story.

writtern @10:35 PM

Come on... *looking up at the sky*..don't be so cruel to me.
I worked exceptionally hard this year compared to the previous year. Getting out of depression. Been happier. Starting to eat -i mostly don't eat in school last year. Just let the results be good to end my 'so far so good' year 2005.

I kept on telling my mother that i am unsure about the results and she said..have some confidence. But really, i just don't even have 1 drop of confidence. Sigh. Lots of disappointment over the years have weathered my confidence down. Life is so uncertain.

I thought i have successfully make them understand that jc life is tough. But there is one thing which make me realised they actually fail to do so. Many young people will say that there is always a gap between parents and children whereby each party fail to understand each other and their situations. Yah, in my opinion, it is quite true. If only there is someway to make them understand.

I am spending most of my time idling. Watching tv. Lazy to go out. -_-
Feel like wanting to know my results but then, scared that it will just give me bad news. It is just 2 days away and it is scary.

On friday night,i was watching a japanese movie: Resurrection. It is kinda interesting as in mysterious, luckily not a spooky movie. Watched from 11.30pm to 2.10am. Roughly talks about people who are assumed to be dead suddenly came back alive and in the age when they were being lost or dead. A group of authorities decided to find the reasons for it. For example: this little boy appeared at his own house after being lost for 53 years. He should be around 60 plus years old but instead he is still at around 10plus years old. His mother is already in her 80s.The researchers realised that there was a meterorite hole in the depths of the forest and there were many graves concentrated near it. The closer the graves are to the hole, the earlier the resurrection process. Meterorite particles helped to resurrect the people. Unfortunately, it was for a temporary period of time because the souls will be sucked out from the bodies. So sad for those who finally get to see their loved ones only for a short period of time.

writtern @2:45 PM

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Today, received a form asking parents to come and see the promos results. Gosh...last year, it didn't happen that way. Now, it is so scary cos i cannot anticipate what my results are and everyone and their parents are in for a shock. Yah, was telling my friends that probably my father is going to bring a knife along,just in case, i got kicked out and that can be handy. Anyway, i was just exaggerating. But seriously, my father is really fierce and of course, i am scared of him.

Recently, just dreamt of a strange mixture. One distinct thing that i have remembered is that i was driving a car but have problems doing so due to not having even getting a driving test. I dreamt that i have trouble stopping it. I followed what my father usually did during my observations in the past but the thing is that the car will stop for a while but it will continue moving despite the braking. What does it really mean? I can't really remember the rest of the dream. I felt that the car part is of more importance compared to the other parts of the dream.

Car

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

To dream that your car is overheating, suggests that you are expending too much energy and need to slow down or run the risk of becoming burnt out. You may be taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather.

To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.

To dream that you are almost hit by a car, suggests that your lifestyle, beliefs or goals may be in conflict with another's. It may also be symbolic of a jolting experience or injured pride.

To dream that you are unable to roll up the windows of your car, suggests that you are showing some hesitation and reservation about the direction that you are taking in life or the path that you have chosen.

Been spending the whole week playing and waiting for school to end. So many hours wasted. If only they just reveal the results, i won't be so restless and will be already starting on my revision and preparation for year 2. And no, they want to keep us in suspense and the majority are absolutely dying in suspense. Heard a student pleading her tutor to reveal her results on the corridors but the tutor just refused to say anything.

Anyway, i hope someone up there will be kind enough to grant my wish seeing how hard i put my effort into my studies especially this year. Luckily, now there is a bit of lessons starting. Surely i wouldn't want to spend 2 hours travelling to and fro school just to have no lessons at all. I rather stay at home then.

Heard from my maths tutor that this year A level maths paper is tough compared to last year's A level maths. Oh oh, that's real bad. Wat about those taking Special paper, wouldn't it be worse? Well, good luck for those taking A levels and give your best shot in it!!!!

writtern @8:54 PM

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Today, couldn't help but thinking about dreams. Are dreams really show how life will eventually turn out to be, do they really show hidden meanings? Or are they just nonsensical things which is just a mixture of life? For me, some dreams really show meaning and even the future. Others show nonsensical things and i feel that there is not much meaning in it. So i didn't pay much attention to it.

I remembered that in the past, i kept on dreaming about roughly the same things. Dreamt that i always ventured on the same path and it leads me to the cemetery. I didn't want to travel there but the dreams always show me being forced to go to the cemetery.

Well, i suddenly decided to look at the meaning of cemetery in dream dictionary.

To dream that you are in a cemetery, signifies sadness and unresolved grief.

Does that mean i am trying to deny that i have sadness and unresolved grief? Yeah, probably i am kinda of. Not sure.

Well, i guess i kind of stop having that sort of dreams- dreaming of empty houses in the darkness, empty ancient schools in the darkness, cemeteries. I started having dreams that do not seem to have a common pattern.

writtern @1:31 PM

Friday, November 04, 2005

Yup, i actually feel kinda reluctant to write an entry nowadays because the same old thoughts kept on running through my mind.

Was chatting online to friend who i seldom talk to nowadays about someone. She expected me to forgive p..no way. Now people who not really get the near accurate picture thought i am the bad guy. -___-. Wei, i am not like that. Gosh. I am mean to her because she was mean to me in the first place.

No choice, people don't believe me. Tired of people who always think of me as the one who is the wrong. Hmm, but come to think of it, most people who do that cause they don't know the other person.Sigh...Tired of explaining the whole thing.

Feel like finding a private time to be alone...in my own world. But quite hard with people in the house. I want to have a sound proof room cos i tend to turn up the volume till very high and it will disturb people. Yeah, i am a nuisance.
It is a rare moment where i can be alone in a room.

feel suffocated...very suffocated....

i need to breathe..

sounds like i am exaggerated..but it is really the truth. That's really what i am feeling now.

writtern @8:20 PM