I am in my room now. Feeling the urge to surf the net and do some stuff. Here I am. Been wanting to write in my diary then i transferred my entry into here. But i am lazy to do so.Hah.
I was almost half-way done with my econs essay but i haven't manage to finish it. I always have that struggle within my heart on whether to just give up. Just like the 2.4 km run. i have already ran half way through. I kept on pushing myself to continue running but another voice tells me to give it up because i won't be able to make it in the time. Guess what, i finally make it. Hmm, was wondering why must there be some nudging voice in my mind to tell me to just give it up. Internally, it takes quite a lot of effort to struggle on and complete whatever i have already start doing it- be it doing homework or revision. That is why i have taken such a long time to complete my assignments and stuff whereas people just finish it all in one go. Wow, there are great.
Throughout the holidays, i have been spending many hours doing just on one assignment.Continue with some reading of geography and in the end, resulted in throbbing headaches. My workload is still not significantly light. That's real bad. Been spending the time doing geography and just that. I guess i have a lot of enquiries about geography stuff. Why do they have to have so many names of the same thing ? And that totally confuses me. Why can't they just have a fixed name and that's it? Also, i find that there is totally limited information from net and books to be able to do A-level qns. Especially granite landforms. Why can't they just compile all information into just one book? Then i do not have to go around the place to search for it. Been to the school's library, woodlands regional library and jurong regional library. I don't find it fun to travel everywhere to get whatever I want. Hah.
My friend was telling me that when we were young, we played with toys and in the playground. Now we are playing with books instead. Hmm..interesting.
The times i have come to school during holidays was mainly more for my cca. There is going to be a performance for us next friday-the mid-autumn festival. And it's chinese dance. Sigh. Looking at the negative side- i totally am not good in chinese dance. I don't like their costumes. In chinese dance, you need to be elegant and gentle. But i am neither...is that unfortunate? I am just an unrefined girl. No matter how much is done to me, i think it is hard for me to change. The music, it is hard to spot when you are going to do this movement and when you are going to do the next movement. And i have problems with the fans..ha..
But looking at the positive side. I am willing to try out and do my best. That should be the spirit. Among the 5 chosen dancers for this performance, i am really one of those green horns. I see the rest-really got that elegant and gentle components in them. I love the introduction part- so artistic. Anyway, must jia you. I hope after this performance, there will be hiphop stuff..heez. Borrow a BoA cd from the dance studio, i love that song. You can feel the beats. This song was danced by the seniors in their open house item 2 years back. I guess that their moves will be cool and sleek. Heez. I look at my last year's performances. A bit too girly bah. Just my opinion. Not much of a big impact.
I am not really physically tired but more of mentally, emotionally tired. I seem to always find myself being caught up with social problems. I think most people think of me as being either a too nice person or a too bad person.
*Not shooting anyone in particular...cos i have been experiencing such problems since many years ago.*
When i friend A (who no one wants to friend ) and be with A for a very long time and A treats me badly. Others will say that i am a too nice person and shouldn't be that nice to A. Or say that don't friend A. But i mostly will say that i have no choice but to be with A.
What's my rationale? I feel that if i didn't friend A, A will not have anyone to be with. That's really terrible. I have been in the shoes of A last year and i believe that when you do not have friends around you especially in class, Life seems monotonous and you are feeling so insecure. Just one slight event and it will turn your life upside down immediately. You feel like school is just a routine. It is important to have at least person who will be there for you in class. Need teamwork to work hard together to have good grades.
Maybe you have never tasted before how lonely in the class feels at all. I will assure it truly pains within your heart and you find yourself dragging your feet into school everyday. Probably cause you to go into depression and not be your true self at all.
However, just look at the bright side. For me, i realised that my last year's ordeal is just one life's challenge of whether you can conquer that miserable situation. I feel that i have tasted one side of life's rough spots. I feel a bit stronger and be able to slightly understand how truly one lonely person will feel. I think it is best to endure. If i can do it (a low-confidence, weak-willed me), i believe you can do it too.
There will be bound a time where I slowly can't stand A.When i decided not to friend A, other people will say that i am a bad person and i should have continued friending her. Huh..i really am frustrated. They said that A is actually not that bad. But but, the way that A behaves especially to me ..i justt can't stand it. If they think A is okay, why not be A's close friend and then you probably will know what i mean. I really just want to let people experience what i am truly experience so that they will not say that i am a bad person.
It really hurts me if you say that. I have been too nice to A and they all said that i shouldn't be so nice and they are shunning A. But when i am somewhat bad to A. They all said that I shouldn't do that. Yah, can't you see the contradicting part? I am really torn between 2 parts. Why do u want me to do? I am giving in to everyone..but is there ever a time when i can be given in (if there is such a phrase)?
Is there ever a time i can be not burdened with such similar situations? People including me easily fail to see the rationale of one's action- That is whether the person is thinking rationally. So, is it my fault to step into peoples' problems and in the end, the person getting the most disadvantages is me?? Everybody is happy except me. But someone has to do the "'dirty" job for those extreme cases.
