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Name: Jviolet
age: 8th March
school: university
others: especially love kpop music and dance(^_^)

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Super No 1 - Genie zhou wen xuan

Friday, August 12, 2005
Pondering
I don’t know when can I really get out my feelings or how do I get it out?

For all these years, I actually felt empty inside me, being devoid of feelings. I am just like an empty shell. I don’t exactly have opinions about certain issues, just wanting to have everyone in peace. I think I can consider myself as a person with many different personalities, kind of like different types of people in just one body. When people ask me my feelings, I just could manage to say: so-so or I don’t know. Because, I just couldn’t figure out how I feel. It is as though my feelings are all tightly locked behind a door that even I couldn’t unlock it. In general, people think I am quite cold towards them or just couldn’t say out my feelings for certain things. I don’t find my life interesting or important to tell anyone. I don’t seem concerned under certain situations, because sometimes, I can’t even explain it myself. Sometimes, I feel I need to be distant. I got tired of being so close, during certain periods of time.

I have no idea whether I am the only one with such a problem.

As I imagined myself in the future, I just feel that I couldn’t make it to be on the same standing as the rest, who are capable, does. No matter what happens, I will still lag behind them. I am wondering: am I going to be disappointed with my future results? Is it going to be a vicious cycle again? I kept on having this, “barely make it” situation.

Ever since I have a secondary school junior who died in a car accident, I sometimes harboured this thought, will I suddenly die? If I do, what will happen to my beloved stuff and people who I know? Sometimes, I will keep on thinking too far ahead as in, how fast it is to grow old. I haven’t enjoy life properly in all these years, just keep on studying and studying. Is there ever a moment where I can suddenly stop doing things and start appreciating nature? I can’t imagine myself growing old. I actually have a lot of important things to do at this age and seriously, I do not know what choice should I make? If I didn’t make the choice, I may never have done what I want.

I am scared of dying because it is irreversible. Once I am gone, I am truly gone. Getting decomposed or cremated. After this life, am I done? How I wish, just like computer games, I can pause life and rest for a while.





writtern @9:11 PM